Dear Bossip,
I am 33-years old. I married my boyfriend of two and half years in January.
We're in love, but I went through our phone records and noticed he had been texting and calling his ex-girlfriend. I called her and she stated she thought I knew and that I didn't mind. Suddenly, after six months, he decided to tell her I did mind and their so-called friendship ended.
My husband now works at a distribution center were if they don't have work he is released early. I feel uneasy about his work schedule so we started arguing. I started dropping him off at work and just still felt uneasy. We argue more and I just feel this fool is doing something, but I can't prove it. I want to call his job or follow him to work. I just don't want to because really I don't know what I would do. You might see me in the news, but at this point I check his phone records and there is nothing. No one calls, or emails and texts. I just feel he has a slicker way to go about things. Some women will take 10 minutes just to see a man. I know because I was there once, and plus, he used to talk to a lot of women. He says I'm a drama queen, bull-ish starter, but I feel it's something he is doing and I just can't prove it. So what should I do?
The old me would move around, but this time I'm married and can't just do it. If I don't do something I'm going to hurt him. Plus, he is a full-blown liar. He can never tell the truth. If I'm right he starts to argue. I've become violent, but I'm trying. What should I do? Plus there is more. He has a (loser) baby mama and two kids that are in elementary school. She is actually in jail right now and we just found out his son can't read and no one ever told us.
I'm ready to pack up and bounce out on him. What's holding me back is I relocated from another state without him, and my kids are getting a good education. Also, both my kids love him. He also comes home every day, but he told me he stays at work in the parking lot doing nothing because he is not sure how I would feel today. I believe this is just some more bull-ish he just says!! Should I just leave him?? I want to fight for us but lately it's been physical! – Tired Of Lies
Dear Ms. Tired Of Lies,
Girl, please stop! Just stop all this drama and madness that you are creating. Ugh! I agree with him. You seem like a drama queen. All this drama going on and you are making it bigger than what it is. Chile, either you trust him or you don't. Either you leave or you stay. Don't go back and forth making this a bigger issue than it is.
If he told his ex that it bothers you that you two are communicating, and you can't find any evidence that they are still in contact with one another, then perhaps the situation is dead! And, if you are still snooping through the phone records, and the other measures you are going through, and yet, there is no evidence of him doing anything, then perhaps he isn't! Yes, he could have gotten smarter, but from what you said about him I don't think he's that bright. I'm just saying.
Therefore, stop creating the stress and drama in your life. Your relationship is going down the tubes, and you are at the root of it. You're going to wake up one morning and find yourself alone, but it won't matter because you're going to justify your behavior, and pushing him away because that's just the type of person you are.
Now, moving along. There are a few things I've noticed between you two, in which I've also noticed with lots of married couples who rush down the aisle. Have you two discussed what monogamy is? Did you two sit with one another and talk about commitment and what it is? Did you go to marriage counseling before getting married? Have you two discussed that once you were dating and got married that he would have to delete all his numbers and contact with the women he was involved with? Yes, common sense would tell a man to delete and get rid of all his other women he was intimate with at one time, but sometimes you have to go the extra mile for pure measure and remind him. "Uhm, sweetie, this is how this dating and married thing works. You will delete all your exes, and any other woman you've been intimate with, talked with, or was trying to get to know. You are married now. You have no need for those other women. There is no need for you to keep in touch with any ex. I am your present, and your future. Your past is your past. So, in order for this to work, and if you want a happy wife, then be a man and act like a husband."
Next, you mention he is a liar. Ma'am, that's not breaking news. You knew he was a liar before you married him. So, what made you think things would change after you walked down the aisle? He is a liar. He will always lie to you. He may want to be honest, and he may want to tell you the truth, but he doesn't know how. Teach him. Train him. Instead of arguing with him over his lying, create other repercussions for his behavior. He knows how you're going to respond when he lies. Hell, I even know what you are going to do when he lies. You start an argument, you fight, and then you make up. However, it doesn't rectify his lying. He knows you, and he knows what to do next time, and how it will end. So, therefore, create other repercussions for his behavior.
Next, he mentioned that he stays in the parking lot at work because he doesn't know how you're going to be on those days. You think it's bull-ish, but in reality it's some real –ish! That is the sign of an unhappy man. He is tired of you. Tired of you berating him. Tired of you chastising him. Tired of you making him feel like he never does anything right. Uhm, sweetie, you keep it up and one day he is going to leave and never return. No man wants to come home to an angry, bitter, and upset woman on a daily basis. How would you feel if every day you walked into your house and your man was berating you, talking down to you as soon as you walked through the door? Chile, you would start plotting and planning your exit. Ain't nobody got time for all that! LOL!
The home is his castle. The place where he should feel like a king, and not a pauper. The place where he can be at peace, and find love. Create that environment, and you will get the man you want coming home every day. Create that space, and your man will shape up, instead of shipping out.
Finally, you have discovered that one of his children can't read. Uhm, instead of complaining, help the damn child! Find some resources for the child so he can learn how to read. Why are you complaining, and getting your panties in a bunch? You inherited his children, as well as he has inherited yours. Therefore, treat that child like family and get the child some help. Why don't you sit with the child and read with them? Instead of making the child wrong, or those who didn't tell you that the child couldn't read, then how about working together to get the child some help? Jeezus! You grown folks are truly special. This poor child is struggling through school and you are demeaning the child? You see the pattern and behavior that you have? Who wants to come home to that every day? Girl, work on yourself before you start trying to work on others.
Look, your man seems like he is trying. He seems like he's made some adjustments, however, it's you who has not made any adjustments. So, readjust your attitude. Stop walking around with the screw face, and your lips turned up. You're going to mess up your face, and no one is attracted to a woman with a scowl on her face. And, you have you stank attitude. No ma'am. Sit with your man, and talk. Don't argue. Talk. Listen to what he is says, and then come up with a way to make your marriage a happy and loving one. Please talk with one another as adults instead of suspicious spouses. He is a grown a** man, just like you are a grown a** woman. Stop going through his phone, and you're married. If you don't trust him, then get out of the marriage. Otherwise, at some point, you're going to have to stop holding the reigns, and his nuts. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
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Make sure to order my books
Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and
Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click
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